2012 Update, and An Apology of Sorts

Hi kittens.

I'm sure by now you've figured out that I am not very consistent with my blogging, and hopefully that's okay with you. But if you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, both of which are intrinsically linked, then you may also have noticed something else that might not be quite so okay: the lack of attention being paid to apotheKerri beauty. There's a fairly simple explanation for that.

I believe the technical term for it would be a nervous breakdown.

It was coming, has been for quite some time truth be told, but the sudden death of my mother in November kind of hurried the whole process along. I tried to appear as normal as possible for the sake of my son, my partner, my job while on the inside I was slowly deteriorating. Pretending everything is business as usual when inside I really just want to curl up in bed with the covers over my head and never leave is hard work. Soon enough, the cracks started to show, despite the large amount of medication I was taking. Getting caught crying or throwing up in the washroom at home was becoming more and more frequent, likely because I was doing it daily. At least I had sense enough to seek help early on, in the form of my doctor and the social worker at the health clinic I'm registered with, who in the end recommended a leave of absence to deal with my demons. Better that than be let go from my job altogether, something which I'm fairly certain could have happened had I not taken this route. Fortunately, I work for a pretty decent organization, one who could plainly see that I was struggling and agreed that a leave would be best for everyone.

At first, I was relieved at the prospect. I would be able to get back on track emotionally and mentally, maybe even have some time to work on and grow my beauty business - something I had neither the time nor mental energy to do what with the work and the pretending. I started making all these plans of what I would do with this chunk of time I would have after Christmas. It helped me to avoid thinking about the holiday my mother had enjoyed so much, spending so much time preparing for it by baking and decorating the house until her deteriorating health made that almost impossible. But even to the end, although perhaps not able to decorate as fully as she once had, Mom would always still bake up a storm. She baked for an army the same day she had that massive stroke that ultimately took her from us.

And then, all of a sudden, Christmas was upon me.

I didn't want to go to my parent's house for Christmas. It was the last thing I wanted to do just as I was starting to feel better, seeing as it would be the first time since my mother's death. But I knew that it was the right thing to do, for the sake of my father if nothing else, so up we went. And when we got there, everything was fine. The kid opened some more presents, we had dinner as a family then watched a movie. It all felt just as it should for a Christmas Day. Except for the gaping hole where my mother should have been. I think that's what I found most troubling: that on that of all days, I was certain that I'd be able to feel her there. And no, that's not the meds talking. I don't mean it in a Sixth Sense sort of way, but I was expecting some sense of her to be there with the family. But I felt nothing. And It upset me. I think it still does, because I really haven't been the same since. Any feeling of the hope I'd had before, all the plans I'd had to use the time productively for my business, was gone. Once again, I found myself struggling to get out of bed and throwing up had again become a regular occurrence. I was right back to where I was before the holidays. With one major exception: I baked.

It started before my mother's death as something I would do now and then, mostly for its shock value - I'm known among my friends for the firm belief that things like cooking and cleaning were 'mens work'. But after Mom passed away, the baking took on an entirely different tone. It was almost therapeutic in a way because it forced me to focus on nothing else but the ingredients; it also felt like a way for me to honour her memory. But after Christmas, baking began to be more of a compulsion. Let me give you an example.
In the past two weeks, I have made:

• red velvet cupcakes with sour cream icing
• red velvet cake, with the same icing
• white bread (twice)
• oatmeal bread
• fondant,  from scratch, which I used to make  

          - chocolate-dipped cherry cordials

          - dark chocolate violet creams

• chili-chocolate truffles
• red velvet cake pops with the leftover cake and icing
• rose creams (with that last remaining bit of fondant)
• lemon-white chocolate truffles topped with chopped pistachios
• oatmeal chocolate chip cookies
• whole wheat molasses raisin bread
• oatmeal-whole wheat raisin bread
• brandy bread and butter pudding, with the leftover oatmeal raisin bread 

As you can imagine, there is no shortage of sweets in my fridge. In fact, I'm kind of running out of places to put stuff. And there is some chocolate experimenting in there, which is something I've always longed to do but never thought I could do it. Turns out, despite how horrifically shaped some of the earlier attempts might be, I'm rather good at it. I began to even entertain the notion that I should stop pursuing this silly idea that I can break into the already-saturated cosmetics market before wasting any more of my precious time and money, and I should look into going back to school and do something with this newfound baking or chocolate talent I've discovered. I even sent my resume out to a local baker looking for help.

But then I realized: That's not who I am.

If you're still with me thus far, desperate for me to shut up and make my point already, here it is: I lost my way a little bit, and myself in the process. Somewhere between the throes of unresolved grief and depression and the comfort I found in baking, I convinced myself that I should just abandon my dreams now before I get too invested in it. The old mantra of 'you won't win, so why bother trying?' reared its ugly and oh-so-familiar head, repeating itself in mine over and over again. But I can't let it do that this time. I can't let it win. Makeup is a large part of who I am, and while I am flirting with the baking, that is ultimately the world in which I belong. And so, this is me trying to get back on track.

So to my supporters, I'm truly sorry that I got lost there for awhile. I hope that you'll be able to forgive me, even after this rather long-winded post that may or may not contain way more information than you needed. But I needed to write it, if the tears running down my face are any indication, just as much as you deserve to know where things stand. Speaking of which, where do they stand?

Well, first off, I've not forgotten about the results of Holiday Collective questionnaire or the special offer that applies to those who filled it out. I hope to have pictures and a snappy title for the collection that came out of it before the weekend's done.

I also hope to have a new website, www.akbeauty.ca, which will have an online shopping feature.

The new Winter schedule is up for the BlushPretty makeup workshops which will hopefully book up quick so that I can have the pleasure of teaching again. There's also been rumours of a possible Valentine's Day-related collaboration with some other BlushPretty peeps...more info on that when I have it.

And finally, I'm proud to say that not only have I been able to keep up with my Glamanomics posts for She's So Savvy, I was also invited to do my first guest post for Style Empire that came out earlier this week and featured my favourite subject: Red Lipstick. You can read it here in case you missed it. I have also been contacted by an outside vendor, and as a result Glamanomics will be hosting its first-ever giveaway.
So stay tuned for details - there's apparently a lot coming your way. If you're still with me, that is. If so, then thank you for sticking around and believing in me, even though I didn't have it in me to believe in myself.

As for the baking and candy-making? I think I'll keep doing it as long as it helps relax me. And really, I see no better combination on Heaven or Earth than beauty and sweets, so maybe there's a merging of the two in the future. For now, I will leave you with this image: a montage of the three aprons I got for Christmas, each one adorable in its own right and perhaps a contributing factor in my Bake-a-palooza.

Yours most sincerely, and thank you again.
Kerri